It's Always Sunny...

Yes, it's always sunny in Philadelphia, but after the game Monday night citizens of the city are probably praying for rain to help put out the fires sparked by irate fans. There is a saying/lesson and it goes a little something like this. Study and learn your history or you are bound to repeat it. Hence the expression, history repeats itself. Rookie DeSean Jackson needs to study his own history. On Monday Night Football the rookie repeated a past mistake by dropping the ball before he actually made it into the end zone. How dumb can you be? Plays like that are the reason the athlete that represents Philadelphia is a fictional character. Rocky.

You would think that DeSean Jackson would've learned from the giant blunder he made when he was playing in that high school all star game. Instead, he makes the same colossal error again. Unfortunately for him, this time it was in the NFL as a member of the Philadelphia Eagles. On top of it all, it came against their biggest rival, the Dallas Cowboys. I think he may have just sentenced himself to death. DeSean did play out west for California in college, but I think he should still be familiar with the fan base of the team he plays for now.

These fans have booed Santa. The Vet had a jail inside it. Opposing fans are afraid to go to games because they might have to leave in an ambulance. What do you think they will do to you? The thought conjures up the French Revolution and a trip to the guillotine, or fans scouring the streets to find the rookie receiver so they can burn him at the stake like the Salem Witch Trials.

Right now as we speak Eagle fans are using his picture for target practice at the shooting range, and a picture of Jackson's face is on every dartboard in Philadelphia. I'm assuming the only reason he is still alive is because the team still managed to score after that terrible miscue. I can only imagine what Eagle fans are saying about their rookie receiver.

However, there may be some mixed opinions due to the fact that he has been very impressive, and has played very well in his first two games as a rookie. It must have been so bittersweet for Eagle fans to have watched that play and cheer about how great of a rookie receiver they drafted. Within one minute and one replay their view on him was challenged. Now they probably hate him again.

You see, these are Eagle fans we are talking about here. They flip flop more than the presidential candidates on their energy policies. Before the season they were calling for Donovan McNabb's head, after the game he played on Monday night they probably want to give him head.

If there is one thing to take from this though, it is the fact that as a rookie DeSean Jackson made it a whole game and a half in the good graces of Philadelphia fans. That may be a new record. To bad the streak was broken by a horrible play that will probably get him killed.

So DeSean Jackson, I suggest you line your body with phonebooks underneath your clothes if you are going to be in public. It can be dangerous for you to walk the streets of Philadelphia now. There are probably many fans out there waiting to stab you in the streets. Actually these are Eagle fans we are talking about, you should sleep with one eye open too.

A Message To You Josh Howard

Dear Josh Howard,

I just saw the video of you on YouTube. I can honestly say with 100% accuracy, that you are a serious asshole. You are unintelligent, arrogant, and ignorant. I hate you with every ounce of force in my body. Since I hate you so much now, I decided I was going to write a piece about you for my website. I was so furious, that halfway through I realized I couldn't keep going. I was too mad. So, this is my message to you asshole. Fuck off, and get out of my country.

I have some questions for you Josh. Actually, I don't think I'm going to call you Josh anymore. I think your knew name should be traitorous asshole. Ya, that surprisingly has a nice ring to it. Anyway, how come it has to be a black thing? You're black so you don't celebrate the song of your country? If you're that upset with our country what are you still doing here?

Ohhhhh I bet I know why you're still here. The NBA pays you millions of dollars to play basketball. You don't even help or contribute to society, and you make millions of dollars playing a sport. You really don't like this country? Luckily for you the pay scale in the NBA isn't based on personality or else you would make less money than an out of work child molester trying to get a job at the YMCA.

So, traitorous asshole, I believe that you just angered a vast number of black people who are worried about being stereotyped because of your ignorance. I would sit here and really rip into you on this subject, but I am really not in the mood to dance around the fine line of racism. As a matter of fact, I probably don't even have to say anything because everyone in this country should hate you regardless of race.

Traitorous asshole, your slightly audible comments about Obama at the end anger me too. You are playing the race card with the Star Spangled Banner, so I would say it's safe assumption you're promoting Obama because he's black. Would you be happy if I said I was voting for McCain just because he's white? I mean correct me if I'm wrong but I guarantee you do not know one policy of Obama, and that you don't care either. You are simply promoting him on race itself. People like you are ignorant and bad for our country.

By the way traitorous asshole, you should tell your friends in the video that were laughing with you, that they should get the fuck out of my country too. Who the hell do you guys think you are? I want to post the video and I won't do it because there is excessive use of a racial slur. That same racial slur that nobody wants to be called, yet you call each other it.

In closing, I would just like to reaffirm my hate for you traitorous asshole. I hope that everyone in Texas sees the same video I saw. With any luck, they will be outraged and boycott the Mavericks until you are kicked off the team. Then hopefully, nobody in the league will pick you up because they know how awful of a person you are. I hope you get deported and are forced to live somewhere where you can appreciate how great our country is. You suck and I wish nothing but the worst for you.

-W

They stole his shit, you must acquit!

September 15, 2008 marks the start of opening statements in another O.J Simpson trial. My God O.J will it ever end? Are you really just incapable of laying low and keeping to yourself? Obviously not. Today, another jury is going to be inundated by shifty lawyers and witness testimony. However, unfortunately for O.J, Johnnie Cochran is not alive for this trial. Where will the quote of the trial come from, and can it be any better than "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit"? For some reason, whether justified or not, I picture O.J's new lawyer to be as equally capable as Leslie Nielson from the Naked Gun movies. You really can't believe that whoever his lawyer is will be as good as Johnnie. Who else but Cochran can save the most guilty man on the planet.


The odds are really stacked against O.J too. The jury he is facing is all white. That's like putting a German on trial and selecting twelve Jewish people for jury duty. And to be honest, I feel bad for the members of the jury. They were leading their everyday normal lives, and then get summoned by the courts to deal with O.J's bullshit. So not only is he facing an all white jury, he is facing an all white jury who has better things to do than sit through a projected five week trial just to give a verdict on something everyone already knows.


O.J is more guilty than an obese person who sneaks snacks and candy while telling their family that they are on a diet. He's more guilty than MySpace is for providing a database of potential victims for stalkers on the web. If there's one thing to be happy about though, it's the fact that Simspon went the opposite route of most violent offenders this time. Most violent offenders start small and work their way up, but O.J is working his way down.
Good for you O.J.


But, then there is a bad thing to take from this situation as well. Nobody died and no shots were fired, but O.J and his people supposedly ran in the hotel room packing heat about to go Yosemite Sam on everyone. A gunfight in a hotel room? That sounds like the worst idea I've ever heard. You might as well knock up a religious virgin.


A gun fight in a hotel room would be a massacre. I don't even think that's something Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday would be up for. That's why they met the Clanton gang at the O.K Corral. O.K, O.J this isn't the wild west and you're obviously a fool. You need to learn to keep yourself in check. You have turned into a serious goon and now you're on trial again. Congratulations O.J, pending a miracle, you're fucked.

Cripple Fight!!

I thought the cripple fight was last year, but this year Michigan and Notre Dame have taken the word putrid to a whole new level. Will Michigan score if they have to start a drive in their own territory? Will Notre Dame look like a real team this week? One thing I do know is that these teams can easily suck a golf ball through a garden hose. They are the definition of hapless and inept.

I could go easy on Michigan this year but I hate them too much. The nicest thing you will hear from me is that they don't have the personnel for the spread offense so the expectations shouldn't be high. With that being said, Michigan is a wretched team. They lost to Utah in the home opener and squeaked by The U....of Ohio. Yes that's right, they beat Miami of Ohio 16-6. Call off the dogs Rich Rodriguez I think they had enough.

I haven't had enough though. I could get used to this. Watching Michigan run around on the field clueless is entertaining. I was laughing my ass off when I watched the Utah game. If Ohio wasn't giving Ohio State a run for their money, I would've definitely turned on the game against Miami of Ohio for another good laugh. Can you blame me? They are trotting quarterbacks out there that are not ready or capable of running the spread. They are immobile, and I saw some laughable pass attempts. It looked like Jim Belushi, and that guy who plays Ray's brother on Everybody Loves Raymond was out there playing quarterback, never mind top recruits. Simply stated, this is what happens when you change a system.

Notre Dame, where do I even begin? They thought they were hot shit when Charlie Weis took over in 2005. Brady Quinn was leading the team and they had a nice supporting cast. Around game time, Charlie would leave the chocolate factory and arrive with chocolate on his breath and clothes. Then, while on his sugar high, he would call plays that only a mastermind could think up. I refer to them as Madden plays. Ok, Brady you throw it deep down the sideline, Shark, you catch it. Now that's great coaching. Before I go any further let me take a moment to say that I am referring to him as the Shark because I refuse to waste my time trying to find out how to actually spell his name. He's not worth it.

Notre Dame spent Saturday afternoons going for 4th down and running up the score on any opponent that got in your way. Karma is a bitch. Not only did they lose their bowl game that year to Ohio State, but they got blown out by LSU the following year, and have been pathetic ever since. They needed a bullshit call to help beat San Diego State in their home opener this year. San Diego State. They're a quality team. Jimmy Clausen was supposed to be the savior but he's a joke. How ironic, a religious university and the quarterback that's supposed to save the team has the initials J.C. Well I guess that's what the team needs because nothing short of divine intervention can help them.

So on Saturday afternoon, we will see these two storied programs take the field. If you haven't watched the video above, do so now. This is what the game will resemble. This game isn't to find out who's the better team. This game is to find out who sucks more. Notre Dame is a two point home favorite, but I really have no idea who will win this game. Is there any chance they both lose? My advice, Rich Rodriguez should call Michael Phelps and ask him to suit up for this game. I don't care what position he plays, but he's the man and has to be able to help somehow. I would say if that doesn't work, Michigan should pray, but Notre Dame does it everyday, so I'm guessing God is already on their side. Anyway, if you know someone who is depressed, or someone that needs to enjoy a hearty laugh, tell them to watch this game. If you like the video above, you will certainly enjoy the second coming of the cripple fight when Notre Dame and Michigan square off on Saturday.

Mr. Glass

Aloha means goodbye. And Aloha to you Alex Smith. You're hurt again? Really? Well Alex, you being placed on injured reserve is a blessing for 49er fans across the country. We no longer have to worry about when management is finally going to can you. For those of you who want to give Alex Smith another chance, you obviously haven't watched him play, and you should have your fan pass revoked. His career numbers are as follows, 54.4 completion percentage, 19 touchdowns, and 31 interceptions. I'm not sure is that good? From hands that are too small, to just being completely incapable of producing at the NFL level, Alex Smith has spent the last three years disappointing 49er fans everywhere. But more importantly, we need to find out who is to blame for this, because certainly Alex Smith alone can't be held accountable.

Sure it's easy to blame the 49ers for changing offensive coordinators every year on the poor kid, but the inability to make throws and the lack of savvy and poise in the pocket will negate that. No offensive coordinator can help with that. Instead, I point the blame to Urban Meyer. You are such a great college coach that you made Alex Smith look good. Your spread offense is great for the college game, and your record with Florida and Utah proves it.

I must admit, at first when I heard that we took Alex Smith, I was excited. The joy of having the number one pick and getting what I thought to be was a franchise quarterback must have blinded me. Instead, I should have immediately called the front office of the 49ers and told them about the sheer genius of Urban Meyer. They would have completely understood that Alex was the product of a system and not ready for the NFL game.

So what are we to take from this? Plenty of things. First of all, Urban Meyer should quit coaching now. He is so good that he made Alex Smith a number one pick. I hope you understand how truly ridiculous and funny that is. Say it out loud if you have to. Alex Smith was a number one pick. I suggest all NFL fans add up their money and try to pay off Urban Meyer to quit coaching. If that doesn't work, we all need to write and petition our team to never draft a player from an Urban Meyer coached offense (Yes I realize King Tebow plays for him). Do you see what you've done Urban?

The second thing to take from this is, be careful what you wish for. I wanted the number one pick, and I wanted a quarterback. I thought at the time that Alex Smith was a good choice. I can't believe I just admitted to that. At this point I am still so bitter over this that I don't wish the number one pick on my worst enemies. I am hoping for another low draft pick this year, because let's face it, the 49ers are going to be bad again. I'm sure J.T O' Sullivan will be better than Alex Smith but not by much. If you really want to stop sucking, put Michael Robinson in at quarterback and watch him go. Nobody has ever accused Joe Paterno of being an offensive genius.

VY's Knee Isn't The Only Thing Bothering Him

Poor Vince Young, really I mean that, there is no sarcasm in that statement. Not from me anyway. Now I'm sure you can find a rather large number of people who will tell you how terrible VY is as an NFL quarterback, and to be honest I can't really disagree with them. I mean since 2006 nobody has a lower passer rating than VY (68.3). Even Alex Smith has a better rating than him (69.4). As a 49ers fan I despise Alex Smith and constantly talk about how awful he is, so you can imagine how taken aback I was when I first came across that statistic.

Anyway, I am a huge Vince Young fan, and it has nothing to do with being a Tennessee fan or Texas fan. Instead, it has to do with being a huge college football fan. Let's take a trip back a few years, to the 2005-2006 college football season when Texas played USC in the Rose Bowl for the National Championship. Now before I get into what happened that season, I would just like to say I went to Penn State, and if there was a playoff in college football we could have beaten anyone in the country that year. If you have a problem with this statement, I don't care, its the truth. But I will save my reasons as to why we were so good for a different occasion.

At the end of that season, ESPN did what ESPN does best. They make bullshit segments about hypothetical teams, scenarios, and situations. In this segment they decided to put USC up against the top college football teams of all time. What is wrong with that you ask? What's wrong is that they made this comparison before USC even played in the Rose Bowl for the title. I can't remember exactly what conclusion they came to, but I do believe that ESPN and their analysts had them beat every team or almost every team that they hypothetically faced. This drove me nuts. How can you dub a team the greatest of all time when they didn't even win their bowl game yet? ENTER VINCE YOUNG.

The 2006 Rose Bowl finally arrives and USC (already dubbed greatest team of all time by ESPN) takes the field against Texas. Vince Young throws for 267 yards and runs for 200. He scores three touchdowns on the ground and leads Texas to a Rose Bowl victory. Are you starting to get where this is going? USC has monopolized the college football world and BCS series for too long. They are too good and they win too much. VY was and still is the man. He singled handedly dismantled the USC machine which ESPN and plenty of fans had called the greatest college team of all time.

So what if VY is not a good pro quarterback. If you aren't from Tennessee or you aren't a Titans fan get over it and leave him alone. Look at what he did for college football. VY took that game over the way Michael took over the Corleone family. He crushed USC the way Matthew Perry used to crush Vicodin. So the bottom line is that Vince Young may not be a good NFL quarterback, and yes his head in hand demeanor on the sideline needs to be corrected, but let's leave him alone. If he does have some sort of mental imbalance and he can't help getting down on himself then I have sympathy for him. If it turns out he is a crybaby and can't handle the pressure then he needs to get out of the league. But, regardless of which of the two it may be, he is still the man and still beat a great USC team virtually by himself. College football salutes you VY. Keep your head up.

Panthers win Chargers lose.... Shawne Merriman

Lights Out For the Season! Lights Out Shawne Merriman calls it quits for the season. As if losing to the Panthers without Steve Smith on opening day as heavy favorites wasn't bad enough, the Chargers will now lose Shawne Merriman as well. As you all know Shawne Merriman decided to flex his muscles and let his balls hang low by going against the advice of four doctors/specialists. Not one, not two, not three, but four, yes count them four different doctors have told him not to play this year because his knee needed surgery. However, Shawne Merriman considers himself too bad ass to listen to doctors. Doctors? What the hell do they know anyway?

Certainly we can't argue with Merriman's philosophy. It parallels, the grunting of cavemen proclaiming their hunger. Me, caveman, hungry (insert random grunts here). Yes, Shawne's brilliant philosophy was something along the lines of, I'm a football player and if a football player can play he's going to play. That sounds great if you're going for bad ass of the year. Obviously his braun comes before his brains. There is a time when being corageous or gutsy becomes being stupid. If you're smart you would have the surgery as soon as possible and rehab your knee like crazy. Then you can come back the following season as healthy as possible and put on another display of your crazy talent and earn your big contract.

Now don't get me wrong I completely understand the mentality of a football player saying if i can play I'm going to play, but not when it's a knee injury that can end your career if it's not taken care of properly. So Shawne decides to risk his career and play because this could be the year for the San Diego Chargers. However, Shawne Merriman and his Superman bad ass decision backfired when kryptonite was discovered on Sunday.

Somehow the Panthers managed to find kryptonite which would bring the Charger's linebacker to his already injured knees. With two seconds left, Jake Del Homie completed a pass to Dante Rosario Dawson for a game winning touchdown with no time left on the clock. By Tuesday, Shawne Merriman informed the team that he has decided to have surgery on his knee and forego the rest of the season. Now, if the Chargers didn't already feel bad enough about losing to the Steve Smithless Panthers, they have to cope with the fact that if they didn't suck, Shawne Merriman would've continued to risk his career to help them win.